For a lot of brothers who are inexperienced with girls or are dipping their toes into the dating scene for the first time, one of the most challenging things is escalation.
I remember back in my teenage years when I would be hanging out with a girl, and I would be constantly repeating scenarios of us getting intimate in my head, over and over, yet I would wimp out and end up not making any moves. This must have happened at least 20 times. Then, finally, I got plastered drunk at a party and kissed my first girl. When I became sober again, however, the cojones disappeared completely, and I was back to wimp mode when I saw that same girl again a couple days later. It actually amuses me to think about this stuff again. If this sounds like you, do not fear, my friend. It took me probably another year after my first kiss before I started getting comfortable with escalation. But I did, and you can too.
As is often the theme of this blog, the most important thing is, once again, mentality. Simply put, you have to train yourself to be outcome-independent. The number one reason most men worry about physical escalation and end up never making any moves is because they worry what the woman might think or how embarrassed they might feel if the woman rejects their move. As a result they hesitate again and again, psyche themselves out, and end up kicking themselves in regret after. This is exactly what I was doing in my teenage years. If you are lucky, you might get a second chance, but more often than not you have already fallen off the irreversible “friendzone cliff” after blowing your one chance. You MUST adjust your mentality – begin by not putting the woman on a pedestal. Yes, she may seem special to you at this point in time, but there are 3+ billion other women on this planet and in 5 years you would probably barely remember her name. This is the truth and you better start convincing yourself of it right away.
Next time you hang out with a girl that you are interested in, stop wasting time imagining possible outcomes. Instead, follow this simple decision-making flowchart below, and force yourself through it:
- Is she fine? Yes. Proceed to step 2. If not, I’d better be here to get experience, so proceed to step 2 anyway.
- Do I want to have coitus with this fine young creature (or at least lovingly cuddle, if I am the romantic type)? Hellz yeah! Proceed to step 3. If not, proceed to step 8.
- How do I achieve the goal stated in step 2? Flirt and physically escalate to build sexual attraction and get her excited. Proceed to step 4.
- Make a move. Proceed to either step 5 or step 6. Otherwise proceed to step 7.
- What if she flinches or backs away? Pretend like nothing happened and chalk it up to the “life experiences” category, while sipping on bubble tea calmly. Return to step 4 after 10 minutes have elapsed.
- What if she doesn’t flinch but responds with affection instead? What a bau5 I AM!!! Restrain from doing a celebration dance, but sip on bubble tea calmly instead. Or, heavy tongue-kissing.
- What if I chicken out and do nothing? Friendzone forever – might as well start mentally getting ready for all the jealous rage that I will be experiencing when I see her making out with her future boyfriends. Alternatively, proceed to step 8.
- I am asexual, like a prokaryote. I should return home immediately and detach my reproductive organs permanently.
Simple, really. The key is to PUSH yourself through this decision-making process, step-by-step, every single time you are on a date with a girl, preferably to an OUTCOME (in other words do not go to step 8). If you end up with more step 5 outcomes than step 6 outcomes, simply say the following phrase to yourself, in a Morgan Freeman-style voice: “there are plenty of fish in the sea”.
Now, the actual technicalities. It will take practice to become more natural and comfortable with touching a woman. But the key is to get used to touching a woman so that it almost becomes second nature. A good place to start is to lightly touch her on the forearm when you make a joke and she laughs, or when you tease her about something. For example, if she is white but doesn’t know what a complicated word means, I can say, “wow you are more ESL than I am”, while briefly touching her on the forearm. She will probably defiantly say, “oh my gahd shut up”, while giggling. There, I just escalated. If you are having alcoholic drinks together, it’s even easier since the inhibition is lower. After you’ve touched her on the arm a couple of times, you can touch her on the lower back with your palm when you tease her or make her laugh again. Then, later on, you can touch her on the thigh, and even keep your hand there. Step by step, eventually you will reach a point where her buying temperature is red hot, and you can give her the deep lustful gaze, straight into her soul. If you are in a somewhat private setting, that’s when you should lean in for the kiss. When you have more experience and become more confident later on, private or public won’t even matter.
Of course, use your common sense – physical escalation does not mean you should be touching her every 3 seconds. Do it when the moment is suitable, typically when either she or both of you are laughing. Physical escalation does not mean going from 0 to 100 real quick – in fact this is rarely the case when you are on a date (when you are both sloppy drunk at a party is a different story). The name of the game is patient boldness, especially if you are unsure what her buying temperature is at the beginning. It’s also a lot easier if you are new to this, by sneaking under the radar and starting with innocuous touches on the forearm.
Important underlying theme to the above techniques – whatever you do, do it with conviction. There’s nothing that turns a woman off more than overly hesitant, meek, and uncertain body language. If you are going to touch her on the forearm, go straight there and touch her for 1 second, then slowly and naturally bring your arm back to its original position. Do not hover, or take an imaginary detour in the air, or scratch your face first, or spill your drink, etc. You get the idea. Like Nike’s marketing campaign, just do it.
As long as you are having a good time with her, with both of you laughing and enjoying each other’s company, and you are not acting like you are about to have a nervous breakdown, then she will not object you touching her on the arm or back. She will not object you touching her leg either, unless she has absolutely zero romantic interest in you – that way you would at least know for sure. You don’t have to come out all guns blazing like an over-aggressive Guido bro, but that would still be better than being a wimp. It is only ever the hesitant guys who come across as “creepy” and get labeled as such.
Rock on, my fellow Asian brothers.